Boot Camp, Week 2
Boot Camp was canceled yesterday so Tuesday night felt like Friday and then last night felt like Sunday. How’s that for confusing?
Luckily, we were back on for this morning and the roads are just melted enough to make me feel comfortable driving. I had my bike all geared up and ready to roll but, frankly, given the fragility of my ankle, I feel safer in the car right now. A crash could mean extra bad things – it’s not worth the risk.
Snowy mornings at 4:45am are all about layers. With an 8:30pm bedtime I’m no longer very sleepy when the alarm goes off but the warmth of the covers is still a temptress. Sleeping in lots of clothing helps, as does thinking about all the amazing workout layers I am going to pile on my body as soon as I get out of bed. I roll out quietly, pad over to where I’ve laid out my things and head into the bathroom where the light, mercifully, is on a dimmer switch.
Most mornings it feels like a prison break.
Don’t wake the warden. Don’t make a noise.
In truth it’s just courtesy and consideration for a partner who chooses to sleep past 6am but in my head it feels important and secret. It’s my time. No one can take it from me.
It’s my daily great adventure.
At camp the energy level is lower than usual. Maybe it’s the disruption to our schedule. I feel myself creak into relative warmth and one by one I shed layers and pile them up next to me. Hoody comes off first, followed by a long-sleeved technical top. Three jump rope intervals after that I shed my vintage 1980’s cotton workout t-shirt and am left with two tank-tops, layered.
I sweat. I mean – I really sweat. I have been told, by numerous different sources, that this is a testament to my fitness level. The more fit you are, the more you sweat. I don’t understand it, I won’t try to explain it and, frankly, I’m not even sure I buy it. Either way, I’m like a freaking sprinkler when I work out and by the time we’re done toning I am drenched – head sopping wet, arms glistening, drops dangling off the tip of my nose as I bend over to stretch.
It is 6:25am and I am shiny and strong, body pulsing with the rush of blood, mind firing, endorphins darting. Sigur Ros is frequently part of the cool down music. Coupled with my post-workout headiness it makes me emotional and thoughtful.
Boot Camp, like Stumptown Tuesday, is significant. It’s a commitment to others as well as a promise to myself. Intention makes it powerful and accountability makes it stick. Make yourself a promise and then ask someone else to help you follow through on it.
Every day the urge to pull myself back gets stronger and stronger. Every day the important parts about how I define myself become more and more clear. I’m not doing exactly what I should be doing with my life right now but I’m still ok. I’ve been working at it, being conscious, and there’s still plenty of time for me to get it right. I lay groundwork and push forward, pressing on the edges of myself to see how far they will stretch. Sometimes I have to stop, take a break, and wait for more of the path the be revealed to me.
The patience is the hardest part.
I find it strange how we compartmentalize time into years and decades neatly, as if it works that way. However, it gives and easy framework for organization and goal-setting. It’s natural to break a lifetime into decades, a decade into years, and years into months. It makes it all easier to manage.
This year is about purpose and passion and making the hard decisions that will honor my gut. It’s about emphatically letting go of any regrets that I may have and moving forward into an open and invigorating space of risk.
Every morning I wake up into the stillness and think about this. I drive to Boot Camp and think about this. I suffer through sets of squats and lunges and curls and planks and pushups and side-plans and ab-burners and I think about this. I center and breathe and listen to the cool down music and get emotional.
This is about so much more than fitness. It’s so much greater than a physical challenge. It’s consistency and drive and peace and motivation and belief and support. It’s about accepting help, opening up, looking deeper inside, being honest, and demolishing self-doubt.
It’s about living up to the person I want to be, not the person that I think other people want me to be.